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I haven't checked my mail in 2 years:



Bad music

I'm getting old. I've been knowing this ever since my hair started to recede (although that might also be a result of the cheapass monkey feces- based shampoo I've been using ) and the fact that none of my Arnold Schwarzenegger references make any sense to the kids I try to teach history.

Conan the Republican. Get it? If you do, you're old.

Fine, I'm old. Its not like that will stop me from drinking, gambling and generally acting like an idiot. Stupidity and alcoholism are perfect for every age, gender and species. Frankly, I pity those who are afraid to be stupid at my age. Dear god, the day we stop being stupid is the day the inner child dies. Do you want children to die? Well, do you?

Old age aside, I am annoyed that my pop culture references go awry. So, I dared the kids to prove to me that not everything new sucks. I started with music. Next time, I might ask them about video games and movies. 

They took that challenge and presented me with songs they thought were awesome, complete with arguments as to why said song is the greatest thing in the world. I disagreed with them. Immensely. Lets see why..........


Lady gaga, Bad romance

Kid arguments:

-Good music, good beat.

My rebuttal

Are you kidding me? First, I utterly hate the computerized voice every single female singer who has no talent seems to get once they're popular. The video clips are among the most incomprehensible pieces of garbage ever produced for television and seemed to be aimed at cats rather then humans. While the flashy cutting, bright costumes and constant production of loud seemingly unconnected noises may work for the feline ear, I'm revolted. revolted and disappointed and other words that end with 'ed'.


Britney Spears: 3

Kid arguments


My rebuttal:

Your arguments seem to lack somewhat in the detail department but no matter. let me show you how and why you are wrong. First, the beat and rhythm are clearly produced using a program Sony inc got for free when it opened an account at the nearest Bank of Schotland. They had the choice between 'my first popsong' and a shotgun. Clearly they choose the non shooty thing. Also, she seems to suffer from 'electronic voice due to real voice sucking to much' for several years now.

Second, Britney Spears has sucked since 1997. That means that I have been hating Britney Spears longer then you have been eating solid food. Reflect on that. Continuous hatred for 12 years means something. It means it has solid ground.

Third, the sexy thing she's trying to pull in order to compensate for the lack of quality in her songs isn't working quite as well as it used to which is a shame as it was really all she had.


There was a time when she didn't need anyone to be the biggest knockout babe in any given room. Now, she needs girl surrounding her which are actually hotter then she is. Sad times indeed.  Alcoholism, boob jobs and whatever other jobs she had done make the innocent and sexy image rather hard to hold up. But that doesn't stop her from trying as she keeps proving to all our collective lamentation.


Black eyed peas: tonight

My rebuttal:

I thoroughly hate this song. Its repetitive, retarded and makes all women looks like whores and all men like pimps, which is apparently how black men see the world. The black eyed peas have done us no favors with releasing songs as all are the same droning dreary, boring pieces of tripe which all somehow became great hits. I do not understand the human psyche nor do I have any desire to ever understand it. People who buy these CD's.... why? Just explain it to me slowly because clearly my brain works on another level of logic altogether,

I forgot to give the kid the kid arguments by the way.

Kid arguments:

I dunno. Just like it.


'I dunno' indeed. Its bad enough that the Dutch music charts have to tolerate tripe like this popping up everywhere but does it all have to be exactly the same? Its boring, its lame and most annoyingly, its apparently ridiculously easy to produce as a song comes out every month or so. I liked a single song of the BEP and it was at the end of GI: Joe and I can't find it anywhere because it was an obscure remix by some other dude! Gaaaaaaaah!


Beyonce and Lady Gaga: Videophone

Kid arguments:

Not sure. I just like it.

My rebuttal

Again with the arbitrary liking, huh? This is starting to sound a lot like brain washing and a lot less like actual music appreciation. Perhaps we need to check your brain pan ey ADOLF? Your secret is out!

Anyway, I never liked Beyonce but at least she was hot. Its too bad the music stations in this country suck so badly that they barely broadcast clips anymore and so I'm stuck with hearing her songs. Everywhere. This wouldn't be so bad if only they weren't all the same boring crap. The team up with lady Gaga was somewhat predictably bad and then I came to a horrible realization. Apparently, all songs and video clips are aimed at 12 year old boys, probably the last demographic still stupid enough to buy songs. And the 12 year olds get plenty for their money.

Don't judge them. You were the same before you discovered internet porn.


Phineas & Ferb: Doobiedoobiedoodaa


Kid arguments

-Phineas & Ferb rule!

-'I know what we're doing today'

-'Ah Perry the Platypus!'


-Can't get it our of our heads!

My rebuttal:

So, it has come to this? A children's song is deemed worthy enough to grace your collective MP-3 players and be sung each and every day?

Annoyingly, I agree with them. Its funny, its actually catchy and for the love of god I can't get it our of my brain. I hum the damn tune when I walk into class and then when I walk out of it. Its driving me insane. Mad. Bat shit cuckoo.

And in the end, here we are. Music choice based squarely on hotness of clips or presence of hat wearing Platypus. Please, let Al Gore be right. I think we're ready for that flood.


Pretty much all new music sucks!


Back to the world of sucks and rules