The glory of illegal gambling!

Ah, there's nothing quite as fun as an afternoon of illegal gambling at someone's attic. It really gets the blood flowing and the hair growing. The smell of people smoking cigars, the sweet taste of beer and the friendly atmosphere of losing money to people. Wonderful isn't it?


 Just to help those cursed with poor imaginations I thought I'd include a picture of one such moment. Take in the relaxed atmopshere and notice how that guy at the front left seems to be eating his cigar, rather then just smoke it. Glorious......

The game played of course if Texas Hold 'em. A game that has been played since cowboys roamed the earth (the real ones, not the fake pussies we see in Brokeback mountain) and is now seeing a ridiculous rise in popularity. I'm glad I started playing poker before the craze began, otherwise I'd consider playing another game, just to avoid having to talk about how celebrities and football players play poker on national TV. Gods, that sucks... leave the game alone you foneys!

Anyways, poker rules. I can already establish that and I'm not even halfway this article. There's something about that game that makes all others pale in comparison. In poker, you play the man you're facing, not the cards. You can win hands by not having as much as a pair and you can lose while holding a fat flush. Its how you play your opponent and how you in turn are played.

To better understand how you can play your opponents let me give you some examples. Phil Helmuth first made the difference between different types of poker players (or at least, I read the types in his book first...) and as soon as you have can identify these players you can then mock them for the type they are. Mocking is serious fun. You should try it some time. Really.


1. The mouse



This guy insisted that he's a mouse poker player. While I don't rally agree with it, he made some good arguments and so..... here he is. The mouse rarely plays a hand unless he's on a blind or has something spectacularly good. He has a shot of winning if his luck holds up but is also known to crash and burn quite early in the game.


2. The Jackal



This man will play his hands way to often and is usually very reckless about it. He bluffs a lot and uses a lot of the same tactics as the British in WW1. If it didn't work the first 6 times.... lets try again! Also, take notice of how funny he looks in this picture. I snuck up on him while he was chewing something! Hahaha, that cracks me up every time....

Uhm, anyway....he's very reckless and will often be kicked out early. But sometimes his luck holds up and he takes the lot, much to the chagrin of other players.

3. The elephant



This player type sounds more insultive then it actually is. The elephant type will call pretty much anything as long as he has something. A pair of 3's is enough. He will only raise if he has some seriously good cards but he can take you on a ride for 3 consecutive checks while you're afraid to raise. Often it turns out he has nothing and you kick yourself for not raising earlier... Sometimes however, it turns out he has the goods and you get smacked right in the face. He's a hard player to read and has very mixed results... the sheer frustration you'l feel when he takes it all is unparalelled however. Keep an eye on the elephant!


4. The Lion




I've been classified as a lion by some co-players and to look the part, here's a picture of me pretending to smoke in an effort to look cool. This failed horribly of course as I proceeded to spew my lungs out just seconds later. Smoking sucks.

Anyway, the lion has elements of all players. He bluffs from time to time, plays his cards right and usually manages to end up fairly high, if not first. He may be a little on the cautious side though and thats why he sometimes gets beaten by elephants

5. The eagle




Yes, its a poor joke to use the eagle moon lander as a picture for this poker player type but honestly, I haven't met a true eagle yet. This is the rarest of poker players and he beats all the others, swooping down and taking chips left and right. Nobody can beat him cause he's to fast. This type usually ends up in the finales of the European or World Championships. Worship this man if you ever meet one!


Poker rules. If you haven't ever played it then start right now. If you're to much of a pussy to use real money then use playmoney. If you don't want to play it because you're against gambling then you're either a mormon or a sissy. Get rid of your sissy attitude and play some poker!

Let there be no doubts,

Poker rules!


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