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I haven't checked my mail in 3 years but hey, give it a shot.




Skyline is an incredibly spectacular movie that somehow still failed to impress me in any way. This is something of an achievement as I’m normally very easy to impress in the field of alien invasion. Not this time. This is the worst alien invasion since the day the earth stood still, with which I also have several gripes.

The main problem is I couldn’t care less if any of the so-called main characters died in this movie. There were all irritating anyway. Especially Turk from Scrubs. What was his character description? Rich and annoying? That seems to define his entire character for the entire film when he’s there. His biggest character development is getting sucked in that alien vagina. None of the other characters is any better, several are much worse.

I’ll immediately admit Independence day was not Shawshank redemption in the field of character development but at least the people there had characters to speak off and showed emotion aside aside from mindless screaming. The Skyline humans appear to be cut from cardboard and put in front of cameras.



'Yeah baby!' 


I couldn’t make sense of the ending and I couldn’t make sense of the human actions. Since when do we need to fly planes directly into the enemy ship before we fire the nukes? Can’t we do that from4 kilometers away? I hate it when the military are portrayed like blundering idiots, not so much because they die, but mostly because the aliens were unthinking morons themselves and that made the humans look borderline retarded. The ending is so stupid it made my brain hurt physically. Like, a deep throbbing pain I usually only get when watching to much manga. That’s it, the ending reminded of a bad Japanese manga movie. Why did his brain turn orange? I don’t know, I just don’t know. Leave me alone.

The aliens suck. There, I said it. Squiggly many tentacled blobs of incoherent grey slime are no more intimidating then a brick to the face is. Yes, they kill people. Boohoo. Bears kill people. Sharks kill people. I’m fucking terrified of bears and sharks. These aliens? Meh. I’d  still die screaming obviously but mostly because I couldn’t actually discover any shape or form in what was killing me. If moviemakers wish to scare us, I suggest they forego the tentacled monstrosities for a change. Only Japanse people are terrified of these and mostly because over there tentacles usually involve a thorough raping.

Why is it apparently so hard to create decent aliens? Does a writer have to be insane like HG Giger to do it? Giger, Philip K Dick, Robert Heinlein. These people knew how to write about a creature that wasn’t human and make it believable. How hard can this be? They did it right in movies in the past.  For your convenience, here's a selection of awesome aliens and for comparison, Mel Gibson.


Sucksornot.info Alien countdown. (and Mel Gibson)




5.  Predator


Predator is scary because he’s invisible and likes to toy with humans he sees as being able to offer at least a moderate challenge. His face seems to be designed to terrify (and it is, by Ray Winstone) and he stronger and taller then Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Glover, Adrian Brody and Lawrence Fishburne combined. That most of these people managed to kill one is probably due to luck, bad script writing and sheer awesomeness. I’ll let you decide which belongs to who.


4. Independence day alien




Ok, it has tentacles. Ok, they were defeated by arguably the stupidest way possible in movie history and actually, they look a lot like the aliens from War of the worlds, which I hate. However, unlike most aliens, these ones were actually vulnerable to bullets, a quality many movie hero humans also seem to lack. Vulnerability to bullets is an important point that most movies simply will not make. Machine guns are equally useless as nuclear bombs as long as it’s a hero or giant monster that’s being targeted, unless the hero pulls the trigger. In Independence day, a single alien is killed on screen and he dies by being shot by anonymous secret service dudes.

Yes, Independence day actually acknowledged that guns can kill things.Think that's a stupid reason for putting it on this list? You're totally right.


3.  Goa'Uld (Stargate)


 The good kind of alien overlord is one who has us poor humans construct a pyramid for him to land his enormous alien mothership. There is absolutely no explanation for this other then fuck humans. Truth be told, most of the actions of the Goa’uld  in both the movie, the series and several more movies seem to suggest the parasites are in fact Henry VIII of England during his, shall we say, flamboyant period.


For clarity, the one on the right is the Goa'Uld.


Its good to see the more 'fabulous' aliens getting some attention in a Sci fi series. Well ladida, you big man you. Does crushing galactic empires make you feel horny? They're gay, is the point I'm trying to make here. My gay jokes suck, badly.


Moving on.


2. Bugs


Yes, another appearance by the starship trooper bugs on sucksornot.info. I know. I need therapy. However, these aliens are only one of a very select few times in movie history where they aren’t simply humanoids with funny foreheads but actual, totally inhuman, non-bipedal, oh-my-god-his-face-is-claws, aliens and this is refreshing.  Also, it has claws where its face is. This is horrible. Seriously, look at its face.





1. Alien


My number one alien is the one, imaginatively called, the alien. I suppose its actual scientific term is ‘the xenomorph’ but that sounds about as intimidating and scary as ‘the paper towel’. Seriously, fuck science.



Also, fuck cosplayers. Seriously.


These things scared everybody in movie 1 and 2. Sadly, those are the only movies they ever made and they were never seen again in cinema. EVER. This is a shame really. Its like Indiana Jones, just 3 movies and he was done. Even worse with Ghostbusters, they just got 1 movie. All great characters who really deserved another good movie but never got one. EVER.


I think I was reviewing a movie at some point. Ah well, never mind. I have placed all my hopes and dreams of a good alien invasion movie with ‘world invasion’ and a really vague movie called ‘monsters’ which can mean anything really. Somewhere in all the tentacles and grey gobblyness there must be a decent alien waiting to scare the shit out of all of us.

Hollywood, don’t let us down. Again. 



Michael Ironside's for Skyline:


-Giant monsters. Score.

-Lot of fighting, most of it chaotic and some of it kinda stupid. Still, score.

-Incomprehensible plot

-Incomprehensible human behaviour

-Ending so stupid it went back in time and punched Abraham Lincoln.





Back to the world of sucks and rules


Check back sometime next week as there is a reasonable chance I'l be talking about Tron: legacy and the awesomeness of Jeff Bridges.