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I haven't checked my mail in 3 years but hey, give it a shot.
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Sucksornot Tech support Where problems just vanish with the smack of a hammer!
Recently, we from ther sucksornot tech support bureau received this completely not-fake email.
Dear sucksornot, Recently, my avatar from a forum I visit has disappeared. This is causing me great stress! How can I make my avatar return?? Pls help! lol! 6^ A concerned user of the Internets PS: this is how it looks like now. Its hideous and totally not faked in any way!
Well, concerned customer. You came to the right place. The first thing to do is not to panic! Avatars disappear all the time and while it is true that some are eventually found giving blowjobs to elderly men in summer holiday camps, this is only a small minority. Most return when they become hungry. However, we cannot rely on this. Therefore, here are a number of solutions.
1. Check your settings The internet has a way of deceiving us some times and checking your settings may sometimes help. Search for your avatar setting and check if anything is wrong. Your avatar should be visible in a small screen nearby.
Was this solution helpful? Yes? Glory and celebrations! No? Read on.
2. Re-upload your avatar. Pesky buggers sometimes get lost under the carpet. Simply find your avatar picture and re-upload it in the avatar setting. This should eliminate your problem completely!
Was this solution helpful? Yes? Hurrah, tally ho, yippedeeyap and Bob's your uncle! No? Damnit. Ok, lets try something else....
3. Pray to the machine spirit Opinions are somewhat divided on the existence of a machine spirit in every computer. I think there is, and everyone else thinks there isn't. Bunch of fools. Anyhow, the machine spirit in your computer may be angry and so we need to ease it down before doing anything else. Try these hymms: (source: the Imperial infantryman's uplifting Primer, pray section)
machine spirit In all your unknowable grace and wisdoms. Grant my system durability so that it may serve me as I serve you with faith, care and servility
With my calculations you serve me. With my care I repair you. With sacred oilsI appease you. Be quiet good spirits and accept my benediction. Spirit of the machines! accept my pleass. And accept my gift with grace.
Machine spirit, accept my actions. Soon you shall be whole again.
After repeating these hymms 3 or 4 times and spraying sacred lubrications over your computer attempt to upload your avatar again according to the instructions of number 2. Also,
Was this solution
helpful? Yes? Excellent! Free
sigars and prostitutes for everyone! No? Son of a bitch!
This is tougher then it looks.... 4. Checking your
hardware I'l be honest at this point. The chances of ficing
the problem are becoming slimmer by the minute. However, we will never
quit and never surrender to the mechanical bastard that is your computer.
It is time to break out the sacred hammer. The hammer...yes...
Your average hammer is more then a match for any feeble computer casing
but just to be sure you may want to follow this easy step by
step instruction in carefully opening up your computer.
Once the exterior shell has given way to your
(hopefully) furious blows its time to examine the insides of your
computer. A: Safe deposit box for valuables. B: CD Rom drive. (I think) C: More CD rom D: Exterior shell (which has been smashed by
now) E: Techy bits. Leave these alone. F: Don't know what the fuck this is. G: Computer anal port. Don't touch. Does all of this seem in order? No obvious damages
or, lets say, severe electrical burning marks? Check if all of the cables coming out of the
computer are connected to the internets. Yes, even the power feed. The
internets now provides us with power, information and soon, water and all
the food we could ever need. The machine spirit will provide. Anyhow, if everything seems to be in order, cobble
together a new makeshift shell for your valuable innards and repeat the
steps of number 2 and 3. Was this solution
helpful? Yes? It was? Holy
crap! I need to tell somebody.. No? Fuck! Fuck on a
stick! Uhh, I mean...read on. 5. Mindless
devastation So, you've been working on this all afternoon.
Your blood is up and if you're anything like me, so is your alcohol
percentage. Its time to resort to drastic measures. Together, we'll show
that computerized asshole who is boss in this skynet-free universe! 1. Listen to music. Motorhead will do nicely for
the task at hand but additional bands include Slayer, hatebreed or
whatever the kind of noise you're into. 2. Set our your tools. You'll need the hammer
(yes...) a screwdriver and various sharp pointy objects of your own selection. 3. Alcohol. Whiskey will do very nicely. No ice or
cola! That's for sissies.. (and for Frank, please don't murder me for that
remark 6^) 4. Open your balcony or loggia door. This will be
helpful later. 5. Remove all cables or you'll die together with
your computer due to massive electrical shock and incalculable stupidity. The important thing to remember when you're
demolishing your computer with incessant blows from your hammer and the
occasional stab from your screwdriver is to use a plastic underlayer or
there will be scratches on your floor. Perfect! You are now good to go. Here are
some things to yell out during your mindless spree of destruction 1. WAAAAAGH! 2. RAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR! 3. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!! 4. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCKKKK! 5. STAB STAB KILL KILL MURDER DEATH KILL! Proper enunciation is very important here. Your
neighbours should by now realise your murderous intent and a little fright
in the appartment complex never killed anyone. (we think) Once your computer is propely destroyed you'll
immediately want to dispose of it. Don't just toss it out of the
window! First, take careful aim with thw wreckage and then
throw it ouf of the window. Hitting innocent bystanders with sharp
computer wreckage is optional but not recommended due to legal
consequences and receive neighbourhood retaliation.
See this chart for reference: 1: The safe solution. Hits from falling wreckage
are unlikely to cause bodily harm. 2: The dangerous solution. Depending on your aim
you will most likely hit somebody. This is entirely your choice. Was this solution
helpful? Yes? I thought so.
You're welcome! Hell
yes! Brilliant. See you next time. RAAAAAAARRR! Good, you are ready to join the
dark side. Muhahahaha! Join us next time with the sucksornot tech support crew
when we show you the possible solutions when your car headlight has broken
down! Back to the world of sucks and rules
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