Alcoholic rules of conduct

I've written about the use of alcohol before and I've already voiced my annoyance at those who would judge other over their beer drinking. You'd think that there's little left to write about.

You're wrong.

I have plenty of alcohol related wisdom to share and over 990 mb's left of free space to do it. While I could probably fill this space with all sorts of tripe (ranging from a French camping site keeper  who could down a bottle of vodka in one gulp to a fellow student who wanted to test the water of an open sewer after a few shots of wiskey, and those events took place in the same holiday...) I might have to search for something a bit more meaningful.

So, in light of being meaningful, I give you:





The flying Dutchman's alcoholic rules

These are rules I try to follow myself. It doesn't always work and I keep learning from experience (usually bad experience...) but there are a few things I can't do without anymore. Ignore them at your own peril!


1. Beer is the only acceptable low alcoholic drink for men. I don't care what women drink. They can have orange juice with 1% alcohol for all I care. They're women. They can do that. A man drinking bacardi breezer gets my blood boiling though. These wimps need to be thrown out a window. Either you drink beer or you move on to the heavier stuff of whiskey, vodka and all. Breezer is out of the question. Don't.

2. Contrary to popular belief, you do not need alcohol to have a good evening. It certainly adds to it but its not absolutely required. People who say this are idiots and should be stoned.

3. Drinking is something you should do because you enjoy it. Not because you feel you should because of social pressure. I hate people who drink because their stupid buddies tell them to. They're weak and should be stoned.

4. If you can't handle being drunk then you shouldn't drink. By not being able to handle it I don't mean vomiting cause that can happen to everyone. I mean that you shouldn't be afraid of being mocked mercilessly for vomiting or any other stupidity you may have committed during the drunken period. You did it, you live with it.

5. Dancing is a downright dangerous enterprise when you're drunk. Not many people are any good at it when sober, and when drunk this becomes an awful display of retardedness like the world rarely gets to witness. Try and control yourself.

6. If you couldn't tell decent jokes before you were drunk, you certainly can't when you have mangled your liver (and sense of humour) with 5 shots of whiskey. Do not try it.

7. Communication can be a bitch in the cacofony of a bar (or, if you're that sort of person, a discotheque). A few hand signals will go a long way in ensuring you get decently drunk in an acceptable amount of time. Everyone knows that hand to the mouth signal that indicates the willigness of the performer to get more beer after all.

8. We are perfectly capable of drinking alcohol without becoming happy. In fact, sometimes this is preferred. So don't start thinking you're happy when you're boozing. Accept that you still might be the same useless slob you were before you downed 8 beers.

9. Vomiting is a perfectly mockable yet sometimes unavoidable part of being drunk. We all need to accept at some point that its 'better out then in'. My only advice is, try and reach the toilet. Do not, under any circumstances vomit out of your window in the roof and forget about it. Especially during the winter. This is an extremely bad idea. Also, try not to vomit in a house run by an evil Korean landlady. You'l hear about that for years to come....

10. Hangovers are perfectly avoidable. If you know you're prone to them then drink a bottle of 25 cl of water before you go to sleep. Toss one of these on your bed and you won't forget.


Stick with these rules and you'l be fine.


Drinking beer still rules!


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