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Babylon A.D.


Written by: Frank 'Generosity' Manders





The lead actor is Vin Diesel (his character is named Toorop). So action and mayhem should be expected. And it delivers. Luckily. Otherwise, by watch anything that has Vin Fiesel in it?

The movie is set in the future (near of far is not obvious), in Russia wich has been taken over by itís criminal elements, meaning it could as well be set in the present.  

First Toorop threatens a street gun dealer, with the none working gun he was sold by the bugger. Any self respecting gun dealer would at least himself have a working gun. Whatís up with Neo Russia these days? land of unlimited opportunities indeed....

In all honesty, Toorop should have been killed then and there. But as often happens with main characters, they survive many stupidities. Then as he is eating his dinner, a group of at least ten commandos/mercenaries blow a wall out to come and get him. This part is so lame I wont even describe it.  But he should not have walked out jet again.

Heís taken to a armoured vehicle thatís the office of one of the Russian warlords. Once again proving that small APCís can carry a multitude of huge  video screens. Wide couches, and still provide plenty of legroom. Somehow Loaded weapon came to mind. Either that or 'Pimp my ride'. Luckily that annoying rapper who presented that tripe was nowhere in sight.

The warlord wants him to transport a girl to the US (yeah, there's still a US in the future). Heíd also get a new identity so he could stay in America again. Then the real action is about to start. The trip from Russia to the US.

The total disregard for human life in this movie is what could be expected from Stalin or Bush (junior). People and polar bears get killed left and right.

Pictured above: Not the future

It starts in a huge bar like area where a cage fighter gets killed by Toorop. Why? Because he's Vin fucking Diesel that's why! They then proceed to a rendezvous with a submarine witch is supposed to take them across the Bering strait. Alaska is something like a huge protected zone in witch everything that moves getís killed by drones, these small drone planes have humongous missile loads. But of course Toorop and his travelling companions survive (the ones that mater anyway). How do they survive? Because he's Vin motherfucking Diesel! Weren't you paying attention?

However, the Vin Diesel magic has to end sometime. Once in new York the story of the girl is explained somewhat and itís reviled that she is pregnant. Then the fighting starts again. And Toorop finally gets killed. And how. Simply beautiful. The girl shootís him, and they go out in a huge explosion. Here the little remaining pretence remaining that itís a nearly decent movie evaporates, and everything goes south.

Somehow they repair him with the cheapest looking bionics. They donít even clone him, witch would have looked better. The bionic leg looks ridicules, and the arm bionics are fixed to a clear plastic glove. How cheap can you getÖ

Also the story-line gets so feebly week, that in comparison Montgomery Burns looks like a vital teenager. Toorop goes to find the girl, and a few months later she dyes giving birth to her children. 

And then the movie ends.

The storyline ainít anywhere near done, but it still ends. What happens to the kids? Or is this the prequel to the pacifier? The end is open enough for a sequel, but it probably aint gone happen. Thank the movie gods for that!

 The story is as thin as a sheet of wrapping plastic and lacks a decent ending.

 MIís : One is all it gets. And thatís generous.


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