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Holiday issue that requires addressing

An important issue has come up and it warrants attention straight away because it has the potential to severely influence my coming holiday experience.

Next vacation we're sleeping in a vacation house with 9 people. We have 1 twin bedrooms, 1 three people bed room and 2 double rooms. This means we have a 2 person bed booked for 2 people who are in no way interested in lying together in a 2 person bed. This is a problem and apparently the arrangement cannot be changed. So, we have to decide which unfortunate couple gets to take the double bed and there's only one way to do that.

By impartial analyses.


Who should take the double bed?

Written by someone without any kind of vested interest in the outcome and who is entirely neutral. Yes, entirely.

First of all, let us take a look at the dimensions of the place where the problem has occurred. A double bed implies that the persons sleeping in it are connected in some way and therefore do not mind if they're close to each other. Like, close close. Intimately close.

Holy crap! This is the first google hit for the word 'close'

Two men are as a rule of thumb not comfortable being close to each other unless they're drunk or playing the other side of the field(wink wink). Men are barely comfortable being in the same room with each other or sharing the same urinal wall. We're by nature territorial to the point of insanity. We're honey badgers only with added height and the evolutionary sense no to attack a pack of hyenas. Being close gives us the creeps.

Now that we've established that we still need a solution. Lets examine the people we need to room up.


Niek and Andrea

For all kinds of sick and perverted reasons these two already wanted a room with double bed. I suppose that makes sense since they're the only actual couple in our group and that in turn makes including them in this analyses totally idiotic. Moving on.



Oh god, it takes me a long time to recover from laughing each time I see these pictures. Would Roel mind sharing a double bed with another dude? Probably not. Since we must constantly endure the most horrific tales of what he may or may not have done in undisclosed cellars with undisclosed people I wouldn't even be surprised if he turned out to be a sexual predatorial lumberjack with a side obsession for collecting small Russian figurines. He may be our perfect candidate....



Lets make sure everyone remembers Joep. This is him:

That's not what you should be focussing on though. Instead, observe this:

That, my blissfully unaware friend is the gaping barnyard sheddoor of Joep's mouth. This orifice is capable of producing some of the loudest sounds ever heard by man. Or at least, by one man. Me. Oh yes, I already made the sacrifice of sleeping in the same one mile radius of Joep and his awesomely loud snoring and I truly believe I need to be as vocal as I can with this: I really really really do not want to spend another night in the same room as mr Bignoise. I enjoy sleeping!!

This logically brings me to the following person:



I'm the most responsible person in the world. I prove that time and again like on the picture where you can see me defusing a bomb and being responsible about it. Yes, I know when to take responsability, when to save kittens from a burning building and when to whine like a girl. The time for the latter is now. Oh yes.

I already made my sacrifice! I took responsibility for the massive cockup the first vacation and took the fall. I need some sleep! Don't put me on the same floor as Joep, let alone in the same room. My nerves can't take it a second time. Pleeeeaaaseee!

Right, moving on.



Weirdly, this is still the only picture I have of Robert and he may still elude all my attempts at taking more pictures if he keeps using his stealth soldier training.

Robert is what I like to call the innocent bystander. He has no idea of what he's in for and has no idea that in order to get any sleep at all he may have to get in bed with another dude. That said, he might just shrug it off, give us all a creepy smile and move on to brew ludicrously alcoholic drinks for more innocents who may lose teeth over it.

He may be candidate number two.



As I don't have any actual pictures of Pascal this will have to do. I know I'm the only one who refers to him as being the Stig but frankly, that doesn't make it any less funny. To me anyway.

I'm pretty sure that deep down Pascal is a man who enjoys his privacy and his personal space. It may be dangerous to corner him into a double bed. Frankly, we know little to nothing about his eating or defensive behaviour. We practically know nothing about him at all. He is...... the Stig.



Shown here with a small sticker on his back which send us all into an unreasonably long laugh riot at the time. Its a good thing we're all grown ups otherwise that mind have seemed childish.

I know Robin is going to object strongly to any intrusion to his sleeping area aside from his girlfriend who curiously has never joined him on vacation to England. Not really that good an option as we frequently get the idea he's somewhat edgy as it is. Frankly, I feel that putting him into a room and a bed with another man might push him over the edge of insanity and into the realm of Santa's slay


We may want to strive to avoid such a situation..



Remember that picture. It may be important in the conclusion. Michiel is the one who got us into this mess by organising a tour to a vacation house with a double bed.  He's the one causing potential bodily harm as well as mental harm to pretty much everyone he meets and I say potential because he has a lot of near misses. Whether its a pavement full of pedestrians he can almost smack in the head with suitcases or terrify a woman on the street with his battle cry, noone is safe. That poses issues to whoever would have to be in the same bed as him. maybe some military training to counter that.. Hmm, this might be an intriguing development.

besides, he's the one who got us into the mess and he probably should step forward to take the fall voluntarily. Come on, you can do it.



The only candidates likely for the sacrifice are Robert, Roel and Michiel. The others are either to whiny, mysterious or downright aggressive. Oh if only there was some sort of indication that two people aren't uncomfortable in being somewhat close to each other.


Gentleman, I think we have our answer. I know this might mean for Joep that he'l have to repeat his sacrifice but hey, he's military. Take one for the team, shout Semper Fi or whatever it is soldiers shout and stop complaining. Its not like the army has some sort of prejudice against men sleeping in one bed. Right?


Double beds suck if you're with two people!


Back to the world of sucks and rules