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GI Joe

Holy crap, they're making a movie about GI Joe.

When I first heard they were making a movie about the transformers I'l admit, I panicked. Is it a good idea to turn anything from those dreadful 80's into a modern movie? Quickly though, my panic turned to exaggerated anticipation and then to nonsensical enthousiasm, even though there are issues with it. However, even when taken that into account, making a movie about GI Joe raises a bunch of important issue and swarms of less important ones that still nag me almost to death.

 First of all, the 80’s are over and the time where you could introduce an army of masked hoodlums with ludicrously ineffective guns shooting at people called GI Joe’s are most definitely over. Mindless patriotism is hopefully as dead as George Bush’s presidency and if anyone can think it’s a good idea to turn this bit of 80’s tripe into a movie woithout any loss of dignity……..


………..then you sir, are a hopeless optimist.

Second, who would be the enemy? Cobra was obviously a parody of the soviet union that they didn’t even bother to hide the Russian accents and cheerfully went on to picture Cobra commander as a hissing idiot who’s plans always failed miserably and had to run for his life every single episode (not sure what they implied with that…) Would Cobra in today's world be a group of Arabian terrorists or a collection of Britisch accented criminals? We've run out of decent enemies! Today's enemies do nothing but whine or blowing up Spanish subway trains which doesn't portray well in movies.

Frankly, I fear that like the A-team, GI Joe relied to heavily on the 80’s mindset which was during that time apparently turned to ‘spandex wearing drooling moron’


And then we’re not even mentioning the sheer idiocy of the weapons they used. It must be another 80’s thing to never get anyone killed but the non existent death rate wasn’t even the worst bit. Cracked.com even did a separate article on the lunacy of GI Joe vehicles that truly boggled the mind.

By far the most nagging issue to me is the sheer amount of American patriotism in the original series that doesn't translate at all well to the big screen in any country other then perhaps the Texan heartland or at least George Bush's backyard. Seriously, didn't any Americans find that mindless flag waving rubbish annoying or were they all raised with the idea that its normal to invade another country, waving flags and firing your sometimes comically oversized guns uselessly at nothing which was supposed to somehow defeat the enemy? Holy crap, I just analyzed the American strategy in Iraq...

This movie will fail. It can only work out bad. It can only fail. It can do nothing else but crash and burn and leave us hideously disappointed. I feared this would happen with transformers and I’m sure it will happen now. Will we watch it?


Yes. Yes,  we will.


Hopefully, GI Joe will rule!


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