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Honey badger

I learned a creature by this name existed by Top Gear, just as I learn almost all things useful by watching Top gear. Jeremy Clarkson described it as something that doesn't eat you but instead, eats your testicles.

Holy crap, such an observation is deserving of more study!

To the Internet!

As I studied my usual Internet source of information, wikipedia, 2 things became apparent. One, snakes are fucking pussies. Two, honey badgers are seriously badass.

First things first. Snakes in general and rattlesnakes in particular are pussies. I've always found snakes to be insufferably boring creatures. Sure, they may look evil and all that but in the end you'll find that nothing actually happens! All snakes are prone to fleeing instead of fighting! Even the gigantic strangling types made famous in movies can be captured by a single man who just grabs it by the head. Jon Voigt died for nothing!

Avenge me!!

Oh yeah, if you haven't seen Anaconda you probably don't get the Jon Voight reference. This is your shortcoming and you should fix it as soon as possible. Anaconda may be a bad movie but Jon Voight is still a thousand times more badass then you'll ever be.

So anyway, real snakes are pussies. As once said by the wise Maddox "Its just 3 seconds of action and then 72 hours of digestion." That kinda sums it up. Ok, so they can get mice and other small mammals. Boo-fucking-hoo. My dead grandma can capture small mammals (with her undead powers and such) so that's no great feat.

Now that we have that established we can focus on how badass the Honey badger is instead. Ok, its got a weak name. Honey is usually associated with bread and sweetness and friendly buzzing things on fields. Well, if you're thinking about underestimating the Honey badger because of its name you're a greater idiot then I already thought (Oh yes, I know you well).

First of all, Honey badgers are fierce carnivores with an extremely keen sense of smell. They are well known for their snake killing abilities, by which they will grab a snake behind the head in its jaws and kill it. They can devour an entire snake in 15 minutes.

Yeah that's right. They kill and EAT snakes. Take that you damn slithering scaly pussies. Mr I-stick-my-tongue-out-seventy-times-a-minute-cause-else-I'l-have-no-idea-how-to-catch-a-mouse. Pwned!

It gets even better. The honey badger is one of the most dangerous hunters of the African desert and it kills and eats scorpions, porcupines, crocodiles and snakes. In fact, its so badass that it attacks humans, has been reported to rip off their scrotums and then proceeds to eat them. Holy freaking hell! A crododile. scorpion testicle eating badger! Can it get any more awesome?

Yes it can. But before we come to that here's an illustration of how badass the Honey badger is already:


Booyah! If there ever was a challenge for most badass creature on the planet this little fellow needs to be on number one or else he'll rip the testicles from all the judges and feed them to his young! (which he then also eats because he's so badass)

Hold on, you say. No way in hell can a simple BADGER be this freakishly badass. It goes against all laws of nature! Wrong! It gets EVEN MORE BADASS!

Adult honey badgers scare the crap out of lions and leopards and only the very old examples serve as prey. In fact, there has been one recorded instance where a very old female Honey badger with no teeth and only one eye managed to hold off a leopard by sheer ferocity before being killed. That's how awesome they are.

HOLD ON! You must now cry out in despair. Can it even get any more awesome???

YES, it can!

For several years now Honey badgers hold the record in the Guinness world book of records for being the most fearless animal in the entire world. There has been no competition whatsoever. The badger will rip of the testicles of any man who dares question his claim to the record.

Booyah again! No question about it. The Honey badger lays claim to being the most awesome creature on the planet. And never doubt this claim, unless you wish to lose your testicles.

In short, remember this lesson:


Honey badgers rule!



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