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After a full day of waiting in my specially carved out Black Hole proof bunker I have determined by a series of tests that the world has in fact, not ended.

 Yes! This marvelous feat of non-destruction was brought to you by the scientists of the Large Hadron Collider in Switserland who decided to turn their potential doomsday machine on yesterday.


The world's first actual doomsday machine

Holy motherfreaking hell! The thing is even scarier looking then when I first looked at it. Aside from being the biggest thing humanity has ever constructed underground its conveniently also the biggest WHATEVER humanity has ever constructed anywhere. And its main purpose is to collide things called protons in order to re create the Big bang. It is also the only machine humanity has ever build that was actually capable of destroying the world.

That's where our world used to be.


Not sure what the hell I'm talking about? Lets review the 3 most likely ways in which the Earth will end at the hands of the Large Hadron Collider:



1. It can create miniature black holes that suck the earth into oblivion

 Son of a bitch. Aren’t those things dangerous? Why the bloody heck would we want to create miniature black holes? The answer is deceptively simple.


2. It can create strange matter that will consume the Earth.

I don’t understand the science behind this and have no desire too. However, strange matter powerful enough to turn the earth into a fine cloud of motherfreaking particles can only come into existence when high energy particles collide. And there is only one place where that can happen with high enough velocity…




3. It can cause an actual case of time travel, causing a paradox that might wreck the universe.

 Fucking hell. Seriously? Time travel?? Believe it or not but the LHC is powerful enough to create worm holes with its particle collision thing happening. Future generations might use these for the purposes of time travel. Seriously. No joke.

 Russian scientists even go as far as to deny publicly the plans to build a functioning time machine right now. Why the hell would they deny that? Normal scientific response to such a question would be to giggle from under their mustache and take another nip from their sherry.

 Anyway, time travel is so poorly understood and so completely theoretical that we’ll have absolutely no idea what will happen at all. None. The movie Futurama might give the most compelling idea of what will happen if time travel actually occurs when Bender wrecks the universe.


 This is what time travel might cause. Maybe.


 Of course, the results of an actual time travel paradox might look completely different. It might simply produce an awesome future filled with people who look like Jean Claude van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger. We don't know. And probably better that we don't....


The LHC rules and sucks at the same time!! (Its just so weird!)







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