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Movie reviews

It occurred to me that I haven't done many decent movie reviews here. That seemed odd since I watch a lot of movies and always have clear opinions. In fact, I challenge anyone to ever change my opinion about a movie once I've seen it. Can't be done.

True to the format of this site a movie will either suck or rule but that is not really enough. If it sucks, that's fine, but if it rules, how much does it rule?

I always judge movies on their 'coolness factor' but a star or thumb doesn't  exactly catch that sense. Who gives a damn about stars or thumbs anyway? One is a distant ball of molten rock while the other is a fleshy appendage of the human body. I couldn't care less how many stars or thumbs a movie gets.

No, to capture the coolness factor we need to look elsewhere. I need to find an image to synonymous with coolness that everyone will recognize it.

The solution struck me like lightning.


Perfect! I'll judge movies on the level of Michael Ironside it has. And to capture the level of Michael ironside I've prepared the following check box:

Giant insects?


Children getting killed or fighting?


People lose limbs or get severely impaled?


Giant robots?


A fighting scene of at least 10 uninterrupted minutes?


Decent script? (Does the story make sense to you?)


Frontal female nudity or at least a lot of female beauty on screen? Woman driving giant robot around through a battlefield also counts.


Do any of the following actor's characters die in the movie: Michael Ironside (because each time he dies he does it in a badass way),Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, Ben Afleck, Luke or Owen Wilson, Rob Schneider, Reno Wilson, Patrick Muldoon, Fran Drescher? (all these people because they annoy me.)


Good representation of the human species? (or are they all depicted as dumbasses except the main character?)


Does the movie contain 1 or more of the following actors: Michael Ironside, Chuck Norris, Patrick Steward, Hugo Weaving, Ian McKellan, Bruce Willis, Johnny Depp, Bill Pullman, Jean Reno, Bruce Campbell, Geoffrey Rush,Lawrence Fishburne, Kurt Russel, Sean Connery, Al Pacino, John Turturro, Christopher Lee, Alan Rickman, Harrison Ford, Sigourney Weaver,Dennis Quaid, Michael Biehn, Christian bale, Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman, Michael Caine, Aaron Eckhart, Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Simon Pegg.  

Answer all questions by yes or no. Yes is a point. No is no point. 9 points becomes 8 and 7 6 and so on.

The movie gets a single point for each demand that's met to a maximum of 10 points. Divide this by two and you get the number of Michael Ironside's:



Holy crap, this movie sucks balls. Don't see this junk!


This movie could have been a lot better. Maybe watching it while drinking alcohol will help.


Certainly worth the trip to the theatre, especially if you bought popcorn with it.


More good moments then most movies. Easily worth the trouble!

A rare film indeed. Things just seem to fall in place with this one and you walk out satisfied to the core.

A masterpiece of coolness. This film can be watched dozens of times and it still doesn't lose its entertainment value. Brilliant!


Bear in mind when using this system that there are very few 5 Michael Ironside (or MI's) movies out there. Also, this system only works on bigass blockbuster hollywood action that rely on the coolness factor.

Expect to see some movie reviews using this system coming very soon. After all, we're expecting some mighty cool movies coming up this summer.

Life is good.


Movies rule!



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