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Nature is a bitch


I’ve had it with nature shows. Take a random episode and it will show you the various ways in which we are inferior to whatever species walks this earth besides us. Cheeta’s are faster, owls can see in the dark, dogs can smell better, rats are better survivors and the list goes on. Add to that the documentaries that show us in how many ways nature can kill us using tornadoes, hurricanes, landslides and volcanoes and you might well get depressed.



That’s it! If doomsday is really this close I’m not doing the dishes.


Luckily, humanity can fight back. We didn’t become the dominant species of this planet by being inferior to everything else. We got out there, did a lot of murdering and put mother nature in its place and we’ve been at war with her ever since. Oh yes. Make no mistake. We are at war.

 This is a list of the best ways we show mother nature what we think of her.


5 ways we screw with mother nature

5.  Helikopters

 I love helicopters. Mostly because they take all the laws of flying and say: fuck you, I have my own way to do this. No fixed wings to allow airflow, no carefully calibrated pressure cabin in order to survive on high altitude and no other pussy things to make sure we don’t hurt mother nature’s feelings. No, instead a helicopter uses brute rotating force to beat nature senseless and then soar like an eagle.

 Neither is it limited to the usual flying lanes like normal aircraft. It can go anywhere, anytime and should it be armed with missiles, kill anything nature can throw against it.


I like to think an animal pissed the Apache off.


Now anyone can bring up pesky little things like “but they do follow the laws of nature!” or “their rotor blades do allow airflow!” but I wouldn’t care. It is a set fact, both in my head and in the real world, that helicopters are atrocities against nature and should never have existed.

Score 1 for us.

4. Highways


Did you ever stop to look at what a highway actually is? For us, its nothing but a fast way to get from point A to B in an orgy of multi laned convenience. However, if you’re a small animal with little knowledge of human  ways it is nothing short of a


Unholy site of vicious murdering!!

Highways are places of undiluted horror for most members of the animal kingdom as there is little they can do against any of the ghastly murder machines that call it their home. These metal monstrous creatures must appear to them as the wrath of whatever animal god they pray to as it delivers its unholy vengeance upon them. Only the larger woodland critters have a hope in hell of stopping it and that’s by flinging their body against it, committing suicide in the process. Deer and other like sized things aren’t stupid beasts, they’re nature’s Al-Qaida! Why hasn’t some government other then the Russian one declared war on them yet?


In Soviet Russia, bear kills YOU! Wait, that doesn't sound right...


Thousands upon thousands of animals die on highways across the world each day, their corpses smeared on uncaring asphalt as if they were a sacrifice on the altar of the traffic god. And to show how little we care we keep moving, unfazed by the sheer number of little lives we shreds to pieces under our tires.

 Humans are pretty damn fucking brutal when dealing with things that aren’t our own species.


3. Oil drilling

 Now, as far as this list is concerned oil drilling is in its own league of assholery against nature. It has everything, from spewing vast quantities of poisonous fumes into the air, to sticking vast diamond tipped sticks into the belly of mother earth and on to the creation of unsightly monstrosities all across the landscape. Yup, oil drilling is a prime weapon in our war on nature all right.


Humanity celebrates the day when we became addicted to oil to fuel our society, empower our cars and even to create the very fucking pens we write with. It all comes from oil and luckily mother nature seemed to posses an endless supply of it.

 Only the bitch is somewhat reluctant to part from it and so we have to devise means to get her to give up the sweet precious black liquid. Means that are somewhat akin to having a full bowel rinse performed by Ukrainian Soviet era doctors who are also part time movie theatre employees to make ends meet. Not pleasant.


Everyone knows Soviet doctors are evil right?


Because oil is ever harder to find we’ve already taken to turning mountains to dust in order to extract it, fighting wars to get easy oil from the ground and building ludicrously expensive oil platforms in order to get it take it from the seabed. The lengths to which humanity goes in order to attain oil are nothing short of epic and would rank amongst our top achievements. If only we weren’t completely annihilating the natural environment with it!


High five, assholes.

And why do we continue with our destructive addiction to oil while there are in fact alternatives readily available right now? Well, according to the oil companies and most Arab countries, fuck nature. That’s why.


2. Deforestation

 I’m all for giving mother nature a swift kick in the parts where it hurts now and then. She does the same to us, but sweet mother of pearl, you can go overboard!

 Deforestation is by far the most vicious, merciless and insanely evil thing we are doing to this planet right now. We could build a Hadron collider 10 times the size of the one we have now and we still wouldn’t do the damage we are doing by deforestation.



 Yes chainsaws, The old friend that has seen humanity through some dark troubling times. Times when all the forests of south America where still filled with hideous, gigantic and obviously evil things called trees. Oh, how the chainsaw helped us get rid off this evil and turn them into more manageable things like lawn furniture and paper. Yes, we were on the right path.

 Only then, sarcasm aside, we started to notice that the supply of trees isn’t endless. In fact, we were cutting the damn things down far quicker then they could ever be replaced by nature (goddamn trees take 100 years to get to a decent size!) or by us. Science has looked for the answer in a fast growing super tree but abandoned the project after several people died.


It may have looked like the attack of the Triffids, only a lot less stupid. I hope.


The news that trees were going to be extinct some day didn’t faze anyone from south America. They hated the things anyway and wanted to get rid of them so they could get more cows to graze to sell to McDonalds. Cutting continues at an industrial pace with hundreds of sweaty grime faced humans fighting their war against nature. It’s a war we’re winning. Sort off. If you count the extinction of rain forest as a victory. Fuck, I’m caught in my own twisted thinking.


 1. Hoover dam

 Hoover dam isn’t so much evil or an actual act of war against nature as deforestation or oil drilling but it is by far the biggest act of defiance we ever attempted against our natural surroundings. Here we have the Colorado river which over the course of millions of years carved its path through the mountains. Then, along comes a dude named Frank Crowe who tells nature “we’re gonna do things differently around here” and he stops the river, builds a mother freaking gigantic dam and powers a city dedicated to gambling, drinking and prostitution  with it. Humanity’s finest hour.


We could never have replicated the Eiffel tower here without Hoover dam. Reflect on that!


The amazing thing isn’t so much its size. By now we’ve built dozens of things that are taller then Hoover dam. The truly amazing part is the place where it was built. Hoover dam was constructed right in the middle of mountains which are right in the middle of the desert. Two natural environments unbelievably harsh to humans stacked on top of each other.


"What the fuck did he mean with 'minimum wage?' "


 Also, back in the good ol’ days of the 1920’s (great depression and all) they didn’t have fancy things like ‘ventilation’ or ‘decent housing’. Workers could easily be put in a steaming hot tunnel to work for 8 hours and afterwards be told they had to walk home through the scolding desert. It came as no surprise to anyone except the Company (or so they claimed) that the mortality rating was ludicrously high. But hey, it was the great depression and there were plenty more where that came from. Ah, sweet home America…..

 In the end, man triumphed over nature. Lives where lost by the dozen but the thing got built. Mother nature had to concede defeat against mankind’s indomitable determination and the mighty Colorado was tamed. It was glorious, it was bloody and 80 years later the thing still stands and the gambling industry is growing as never before. If that's not progress I don't know what is.

If I ever catch you in my shrinking forest, you are dead.


So, if you ever get annoyed again by nature shows think about the ways we mess with mother nature. We drill, we cut trees, we built highways and we have ungodly contraptions soaring through the air. We can be pretty evil ourselves....


We rule!  (apart from the drilling and the cutting things down, that's just evil)


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