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The top 8 of alcoholic idiocy

When I started writing this dribble it seemed like a good idea. A funny one even. Write a top 10 of your most drunken moments. It was at number 6 that I realized I wasn't being particularly funny, witty or anything. Now is that usually the case with me but normally I at least think I am being funny.

However, writing this I found it had at least a therapeutical effect as I forced myself to remember all those times of disgust, fun and at times, shame.

I stopped when I had recalled 8 events of particular alcoholic nastiness and I decided to leave it at that. To much of a bad thing can easily turn into a awful thing.

So without much pride I present my top 8 of alcoholic idiocy:


8. Roel's 'I'm going to Ghana party' 2006

Truth be told, I wasn't even as ridiculously drunk as usual on this occasion. However, I'm still listing it here because I got to see some class mates make absolute idiots of themselves (something they've been known to do...) and hey, its not like I was sober or anything.

Its great to see other people act as idiotic as yourself. Tim for instance was heading into overdrive, jumping all over the place while Robbert chose to just slump into a pile of human patheticness after a few hours. I chose the golden path to glory and got to see a band that covered the Rolling stones across the street. Hell of an improvement to the lame ass band Roel had booked. (kidding of course, I love you guys!)

The night ended with Roel crashing into a shop window, triggering an alarm they never heard because they fled and the remainder of us eating kebabs. Yup, life was good.

Lesson learned: If someone is going away for a year its worth the effort to go to their party. You just might realize you actually the sarcasm and cynicism and downright assholeism (yeah that's a word) of the person in question.

Also, the Nijmegen police has a  remarkably good response time.


7. Jumbo Staff party 2002

This party was held in a shed a few miles from where I live. It was basically a empty room with crates of beer stacked to the wall, a poorly functioning sound machine and a giant frying pan for kebabs. In other words, it was perfect. Before the end of the night I saw people throwing themselves on piles of broken glass, eating kebabs of the ground and drinking puke. Oh, and one guy vomited over his own bike and still went home on it. it was quite possibly the most disgusting party I have ever been to. Good thing I was drunk.

Lesson learned: Don't slam your hand in broken glass. Its incredibly messy.


6. Autumn Swing 2005

Each year my favorite bar has what's called the Autumn swing. Each year its more insane then last with people and beer everywhere. Throw in a large quantity of burnable leaves and you have the setting for a great party. This year was particularly violent for me with a special offer of 12% beer for little money. Now, throw a few purple 40% mix drinks in and I admit that I underestimated the kick. Around 2 at night I was puking on the street. Then again at home. And then again out of my attic window. Luckily I couldn't remember all this the next day.

That is, until I saw the huge dried up brown sludge on the roof of my house. Sweet holy mother of fuck!

Lesson learned: No mixing beer and heavier stuff. Bad idea. Baaaaaaad idea. Bad.


5. Jumbo staff party, 2007

It was the first staff party my employer organized in 5 years so we were all looking forward to it immensely. Not so much because of the happy feeling of 'togetherness' but because of the massive amounts of beer that would be available. The key to this nights drunkenness was a friendly waiter who kept replacing our glasses as soon as we neared the bottom. A steady rate of 6 beers an hour ensured I was stone cold drunk around 10 and many of my co-workers were unable to stand. The night ended with 5 people wounded and a lot of damage to bicycles. For me, I vaguely remember standing in the middle of a room full of dancing people, a beer in each hand and then...... nothing.

Lesson learned: Well, its a bad plan to do a head roll in the toilets as it makes your back ache for days. Otherwise, I learned nothing from this.

PS: Yeah I know its the second entry the Jumbo parties get. Look at some of the people I have to work with and then tell me if you believe Jumbo parties are places of insanity or not:




4. No idea when this happened, probably 2004

I'm certain that at least a few people remember me vomiting all over some street in Nijmegen when we staggered out of the Irish pub. It was a night I don't care to repeat any time soon so I suppose its a good thing I remember almost nothing from it. Its one of the very select nights that was erased from memory and that's probably for the best.....

Lesson learned: How the hell can I learn anything when I can't even remember it?


3. European championship Football 2004

Ah, the glory of football. Actually I don't give a crap about it unless its between nations. Then I'll immediately wrap myself in the Dutch flag and put on a crown to support our boys.

Together with a few class mates we went to watch the decisive match for our team. None of us really believed they would win and proceed to the next round which makes it all the more cool that they did. However, the real catalyst for this evening was our desire to each own a 'Heineken luidsprekerhoed' as depicted below:

This ridiculous looking thing came free with a plate of 11 beers and we each wanted one. There were 5 of us. If memory serves most of us had one after an hour. You do the math.

Things deteriorated from that point. We practiced our drama exercises on the street and joined bands of other drunkards eager to celebrate in our team's name. I ended up stammering like a zombie on Nijmegen's main street due to alcohol, exhaustion and other annoyances that kept me from drinking. I'm not even sure how I got to my sleeping spot, though I suspect sure it was taxi related.

Lesson learned: Have faith in your team. I hadn't and ended up carrying a heavy backpack for the rest of the evening because I expected to go home early.



2. Vacation to France, 'Dutch night' 2001

When you're on vacation to France, a lot can happen. Among other things, you may suddenly find yourself in a club sucking down whiskey because it might get your drunk more quickly. Drinking whiskey from a plastic cup is something Frank would frown upon but luckily it got the job done fairly effective. Annoyingly though, I wasn't the drunkest person in the hall. That honor fell to one of my friends who climbed a table and started proclaiming Jihad on everyone. No really, Jihad. And a Fatwa. Oh, and a proclamation of the glory of Allah to boot.

Its not a good idea to start proclaiming the Jihad in any European city, at any time, no matter the level of alcohol in your blood. If you start proclaiming it to the bouncers of the club, it becomes an even worse idea. Luckily he was small so he was tossed out fairly easily.

For me, it became the night of getting the hell out before we're beat up by a rival gang of idiots.

Lesson learned: If one of your friends ever starts about Jihad, shut him up. No matter what.



1. ILS moving party, 2002

My former school was moving to a new location and threw a party to celebrate the occasion. The band sucked and the people were mostly lame but that didn't matter because this was without a doubt the evening where I experienced the effects of alcohol more then any mortal ever should. The beer was practically free, distribution points were everywhere and at some point they were actually throwing it at us. But the real problems didn't begin until after the party on the long voyage to where I would be sleeping.

Only a few seconds after I went to bed I got, what we call in the drunkard business, a 'warning belch'. I immediately realized my plight and went for the nearest toilet. Little did I know that the light switch was on the outside and I spent valuable seconds searching for it. Seconds I should have spent searching for the toilet because I then proceeded to puke over everything and I mean every.. thing. Luckily I never got to witness the devastation I had wrought because the day after it had all been cleaned up by some Korean lady. I never had to carry the consequences of my irresponsibility. Sweet.

Lesson learned: The landlady of the house was Korean. NEVER piss off a Korean. The look she gave me for the next 2 weeks was absolute murder.


Alcohol continues to rule!


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