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Badass cartoon villains.

Like so many people out there, I work. I work a lot. And somewhere I still find the time to write ludicrously long articles like this one. I constantly amaze myself.

I originally intended to write something about the dumbest villains ever seen in cartoons but I didn't even got started on it when I decided that would be boring. Everyone knows that cartoon villains are fucking stupid! That makes them all the more easier to dislike for the retarded audiences. It takes way more guts, intelligence and style to come up with a villain who's actually not retarded. There have only been a few shows where that was the case and it would be a much bigger challenge to find 5 villains who would qualify.

So, after a few beers and a lot of YouTube watching I present:


The top 5 of badguys who are not retarded!


5. Megatron from beast wars


Make no mistake, the old Transformers cartoon also had a Megatron and he was a completely retarded moron all right. I'm now talking about the Megatron that appeared in the 90's cartoon Beastwars. You know, the one where he turned into a dinosaur.

Wait, what?

Yes, and that wasn't the only change they made. Optimus Prime turned into an ape and so on. When I look back to it, it was pretty damn silly really.

And he's not the average retarded cartoon villain because....

He was surely the most stylish of all Megatrons of the past and the future. (don't know how many series they plan to make but I'm not watching any of them. It all sucks.)  The way he could say Yessss, it was almost enough to intimidate you across the screen. Also, he had a plan. A plan that only became apparent as the seasons progressed and one that was pretty damn cool when it unfolded. I love a villain with a plan. Makes it seem like the cartoon writers had a little more foresight then just then 'villain loses to good guy'.

Unfortunately, stylish Megatron also had the worst luck of them all. No matter his planning, everything usually got botched up by his own minions, rather then because of anything the good guys did. At times, you actually sympathized with him because of his bad luck.

Most badass moment found on YouTube

Viewers sympathized with his bad luck so much that you can now find plenty of clips with the intention of reminding us of it. I'm not sure to take that as a sign of respect for Beastwars Megatron but I'll be damned if it isn't funny.



4.Chairface Chippendale from The Tick


Not everyone is familiar with the old Tick cartoon but by everything that's holy, you bloody well should be! Its one best written cartoons I've ever come across and it made me laugh hysterically almost every episode.

Chairface Chippendale is the Kingpin of this series, a badguy who controls all others. He hasn't got any powers and appears as a regular man. Except that he has a chair for a head.

Wait, what?

Yes, a chair for a head. That's his only discernable feature. He distinguishes himself in the supervillain club by being the only one who has ever tried to write his own name on the moon with a giant laser. Its a testament to his genius that it almost worked and the fact that he ran out of space after writing 3 letters is a testament to his incredible stupidity.

And he's not the average retarded cartoon villain because....

Hello? He tried to write his name on the moon with a laser and was only thwarted because he ran out of space! His plan worked, to a point. That's something most cartoon super villains can only ever dream of.

Most badass moment found on YouTube

Unsurprisingly, clips of Chairface are rather hard to come by. I did found the part where he wrote his name on the moon but its rather long. Skip to 0.28 and watch whatever you feel like watching.


3. Magneto from X-men


This is probably the most well known name on the list. Magneto has appeared in comics, cartoons and even movies. Just as every other Mutant character in the festival of 90's nostalgia that was the 1994 X-men cartoon Magneto is a muscle bound hulking giant of a man. His mutant power is control of all metal and being able to let his eyes be surrounded by shadows even when standing in full light.

Wait, what?

It was the 90's! Cartoon writers still worked by standard templates and that meant that the villain had to spend a few episodes in dark concealing shadows before he could come out. Even after he made his appearance his helmet was always so positioned that you couldn't see his face, apart from his eyes, which shone brightly for some reason.

And he's not the average retarded cartoon villain because....

Magneto distinguishes himself not so much by his plan, which is pretty much the standard run-of-the-mill conquer the world scheme. Also, the red outfit and the ability to fly aren't exactly new. We've seen Shredder and classic Megatron do these things and those guys are still retarded idiots. In fact, when you first see Magneto in the X-men cartoon he's nothing special at all.

And then he single handedly kicks every X-man's ass several times over the course of an entire season. The X-men, at one point, actually dread to go up against him because they know they'll lose. He holds together the entire evil side by his power. He fucking owns everyone else in the series. Everyone.

Most badass moment found on YouTube

Its not hard to find badass clips of Magneto. In this one, he kicks the ass of Apocalypse, supposedly the most evil and powerful being in the X-men universe. What a badass!



2. Megabyte from Reboot


Yet another cartoon that will most likely not be as well known as it should be as it was so damn long ago since it was last on. Still, it owns most other cartoons of its day and all the days that came after it and not in the last place because everything just seems to come together in it.... I should point out I mean that literally as Megabyte regularly disconnected himself from his legs. 

Wait, what?

Yes, and it was all part of his style. Whenever he sat down he didn't just sat down, he disconnected his legs and plugged himself in his seat. Now that's how you do that!

And he's not the average retarded cartoon villain because....

This square jawed broad virus of a man simply oozes cool. Everything he does and everything he says is drenched in coolness. Its like John Travolta, Optimus Prime and Hugo Weaving had a child, painted him purple and set him loose on an unsuspecting cartoon world.

Add to all this coolness his army of ridiculously well armed minions, his demented and all-powerful sister virus and an enemy good guy called 'Bob' and you can probably see why I liked this cartoon so much. And if you don't, well screw you. Megabyte rules.

Most badass moment found on YouTube

It was hard to select just one cool moment as pretty much every second Megabyte enters the screen is a walking fashion show of cool, but I think this one stands out. Its megabyte showing his rock n roll prowess for no other reason then to show off. And he rules.



1.David Xanatos from Gargoyles


Its hard to even describe the coolness of David Xanatos if you haven't seen the old gargoyles cartoon for yourself. Basically, he's a New York based businessman and owner of a multi dollar corporation. His goal is to attain as much power as he possibly can and to that end he transports a medieval Scottish castle on top of his skyscraper in order to bring to life a thousand year old group of statues.

Wait....... what?

Yes, that's a lot to take in but it gets even better. Xanatos succeeds in awakening the Gargoyles, then manages to make enemies of them and the rest of the series focuses on the Gargoyles fighting him and his evil schemes while meeting other ancient creatures and even a dude called McBeth (the one from the play). Its hard to explain the story in any greater detail because they're so much in it and the premise seems to get more ridiculous every season and in the middle of it all sits David Xanatos.

 And he's not the average retarded cartoon villain because....

He's just so damned awesome in everything! Everything he says seems to imply he's in control, even when his skyscraper is being stormed by supernatural beings. he always seems to have a plan, he never admits he got defeated and he always comes out on top. Its the type of man who would say that his army of killer robots didn't get smashed to tiny bits, it got 'field tested'. And you believe him!

This is the type of villain every show should have, the type we hoped to see. He actually won a good portion of the time! How many times did you want to see the bad guy win just because the good guys were so damn insufferable?

Most badass moment found on YouTube

From the creator of 'megatron was such a loser' and 'galvatron needs prozac' now comes 'David Xanatos is a badass.'

I think that says it all.


Cartoon villains can rule!


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