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X-men origins: Wolverine

I hate writing reviews about movies I like. They’re always to short, to much to the point and never really convey my views of the awesomeness they contain. Bad movies, I can rant on about for 7 years in fucking Tibet if need be but with good movies I just fail epicly. Therefore I will now employ the method of Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw and focus on the parts of Wolverine that weren’t quite as mind bogglingly, ball flatteningly awesome as the rest of it.

 Ok, Wolverine’s father in the beginning, lets start with you. What kind of fucking embarrassment were you running? Coming off all ‘ oh I live in 1854 and therefore I get to wear a tie and everything’ You got your shit massively ruined right at the start didn’t you, you silly half-English-half French-all retarded fuckwit of a man. Good thing you had your not-son Wolverine to avenge your sorry striped pants wearing ass.  

Lets not focus to much on the opening credits which were a credit to humanity as a whole and even forced me to stop munching popcorn at my usual prodigious rate.


Wolverine in WW2? That's like....totally.......not......awesome.

Next in line, bone claws. What the fuck? I vaguely remember Wolverine in old cartoons and comic books and bone claws simply never enter the equasion. Why the fuck should they? It looks retarded, its no where near as awesome as adamantium and the damn things have a tendency to break when a large sideburned man with a last name that translates as ‘ writer’ steps on them. Bone claws, I order you to get the fuck out of my imaginary Wolverine universe.

Why are US generals always old incompetent and probably incontinent men? Shouldn’t that guy have figured out that Stryker had a couple of screws loose when he entered his plans to ‘ build a supermutant from parts scavenged from other mutants and then let it loose on all remaining mutants until only one remains.’ Apart from this appearing to be a Highlander storyline it sounds fairly retarded, possibly dangerous and horrifically expensive. Naturally, these costs are as nothing to the vast reservoir of money the US military gets to pour over countries like poor Iraq in bomb-form but still, money money money.

Thousands of possible moments for the introduction of Gambit and they choose a French setting where he plays poker with Daniel Negreanu. Of all the mind numbingly idiocy… no wait. That was cool. Moving on.

What the fuck were you thinking when you made Wolverine fight on top of a cooling tower against super mutant guy? You unbelievably stupid….. Crap, that was cool too. Moving on.


Victor Creed was also not cool, smashing through walls and stuff......

For those who enjoy a good love story ( I don’t) there’s good news! Wolverine gets a girlfriend. Actually he gets the same one twice! For those who hate a good love story (like me), she dies! Twice! Crap, a spoiler. Don’t read the past two sentences.

 Lets move this trainwreck of a review to its natural conclusion. When its this bloody hard to find anything bad to write about that can only be seen as a good sign. Wolverine delivers on action, storyline, personal development and Adamantium claws. All signs of greatness. Enough compensating coolnees to earn a 4 MI score. I should probably explain that so Robert or Frank don’t send me annoying e-mails.

 -Claws. Claws, people. Do I need to draw you a map?

 -Gambit was awesome, if brief.

 -The Sabretooth/ Wolverine battle was awesome.

 -Cyclopse is still a pussy, which is funny.

 -Lots of mutants who were cool.


Right, my faith in Hollywood has been temporarily restored. On to Startrek!



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