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Carnaval sucks

For some reason every once in a while I want to write about something that will only appeal to a very slim tiny fraction of readers. But then, this is fine since the number of people who read this isn't that big to begin with. And that's fine as I don't want to pay for more bandwith. Also, I know perfectly well that sarcasm doesn't usually translate well on the Internet but let me give it a try anyway.

Carnaval is approaching. Oh joy of joys. Glory to end all glories and hurrah motherfeaking hurrah.

Every year the south of Holland celebrates the start of the Christian fasting period by drinking like lunatics, dressing up like morons and dancing in long human lines called 'polonaise'. I'm fine with the drinking part but I do that every weekend anyway. The other stuff I'm not so much ok with. Lets examine why.

Crappy music

If I hear another carnavl song about red noses and pints of beer I will shoot someone. I hate the forced stupidity in these damn songs like the entire population has gone brain dead. Zombies, thats what it is. Zombies!

Don't believe me? Type the word 'waterscooter'in Youtube and watch the top hit. Or better yet, don't.

Dumb people

I don't hate all people who celebrate carnaval. The ones I do hate usually fall into one of three categories: The One-timers, the Supermans and the can-do-everythingers.

The One-timers are the most pathetic people on earth who come out of their caves and various hiding places to mingle among other humanoids and get stone cold drunk. This invariably ends badly as they puke on things, punch people or get maced by the police. Whatever their behaviour they're usually the worst dressers in the house

The Supermans are possibly even more annoying as they think everything is possible with sufficient alcohol and a dumb enough costume. Oh God, I hate the costumes so much. These are the people who end up falling from tables, stages or are simply to stupid to stay upright.

The can-do-everythingers are the single most irritating group of human beings in the universe. Not just on this planet but the goddamn universe, I swear to the entire pantheon of Greek and or Indian Gods, whichever is more vengeful. They get incredibly drunk after 2 beers, brawl at everyone, punch everyone, stab at everyone with their shanks and then drink more beer. They're a shame to the entire beer guzzling community and that....... is saying something. 

Crowding beyond belief

Hundreds upon hundreds of people materialise out of nowhere to celebrate carnival and they're all between me and the bar which is my only source of consolation as it provides me with booze to forget I walked into a shitty hellhole of a bar during carnival. Right on top of the usually crowds of ignorant stupidy come the one timers who give the words stupidity a whole new meaning.

And it leads to elegant scenes like this.

And the waits at the piss boxes are awesome too. And by awesome I mean vomit inducing. It seems that everyone loses control of their bodily fluid ejection functions during Carnival as you can detect puke, pee or even crap literally everywhere. Oh joy, I get to wait in a puddle of pee to take a pee for 15 goddamn minutes I will never ever get back. And that's for the men! I can't imagine what it must be like for those poor helpless women.. Hmm, I should probably write that down. 'lots of bored helpless women at toilet'

Dressing up

For as long as I celebrated carnival I have dressed up as one of the Blues Brothers. Not just because the Blues brothers are awesome but also because that costume at least gives me some dignity amongst the retared indians, cowboys and construction workers. Dear god, the world has turned into the village people for a weekend! And for those people who say that its 'fun'. You need to get out more. It can be fun to drink beer when you're not dressing up like a retarded elf. Try it some time. or better yet, get the fuck out of my universe.


No, I don't want to enter your goddamn polonaise. If I wanted to walk in an endless line of retared people holding shoulders I would have gotten a lobotomy and went to a leper colony years ago. I didn't and I don't want your puke and pee covered hands on my shoulders.

Look me in the face and tell me this isn't the dumbest thing you've seen this day

If you're really unlucky you might even get killed in one of these retarded fucked up things as a pile of human stupidity crashed into you. Killed by stupidity. Jezus H Nutcracking Christ.


You know what I'd love to do next year with carnival? Skiing. Cold air. Mountains. High speed. Bucketloads of beer. No polonaise. No dumbass dressing up. That's what I'd love to do next year.

Carnaval sucks. Skiing rules!


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