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Red Alert 3

A game review that only focusses on the important things.


I bought this game cause it promised me a poster with half naked ladies on it. There, I said it. I’m not proud of it but I said it anyway and that makes me a better person. Or at least an embarrassingly idiotic person who stood up for what he believes in or at the very bottom of the least an idiot who said something stupid on the internet. Using his own site.

 I digress. This is going to be my first actual game review and I better make something decent of it. Or at least give it an attempt before quitting and drinking beer. This is actually a way to kill some time before the bar at my school opens. Yeah, I drink beer at school. Hehe.

Red Alert 3 is quite possibly the most ridiculous strategy game you’ll ever play. Its gone so far over the top in the comical parodies of serious ‘Soviet menace’ games and movies that its hard to take anything serious in it. Here’s a small selection of idiocy from red alert 3:

 -High tech samurai warriors with laser swords

-Half naked soviet officer women

-japanese helicopter walker…things

-Allied attack dolphins

-Time travel. Again!

-Soviet attack bears

 And on top of all this, they took out Yuri and changed the timeline so that he hasn’t ever existed and neither has anyone who participated in red Alert 2, making that whole game and its timeline utterly obsolete! I guess that’s one to make a story move forward, just make it so that everything preceding it never happened. I’d be pissed if they ever did that to half life 2 though. I’ve been studying that story for years and still haven’t fully figured it out.

 Red Alert 3 does offer amazing game play. Super awesome battle scenes, great graphics and more stuff that warrants words like ‘great’ and ‘wow!’. Its fun to play and beat an opponent in skirmish and each time you win he congratulates you with it, which is kinda cool. The single player campaign is equally awesome as you get to play it co-op with a friend. It’s the first RTS that allows you to play a story based campaign in co-op. Mega awesome! All it could ever possibly need to get any more insane was an army of penguins to top off the bear cavalry.

Before I become bogged in a quagmire of super latives (even though that already happened years ago) let me write some kind of conclusion to this. The game rules. Its funny in a non serious way and offers cool gameplay and cooperative single player campaigns which proves EA is actually capable of innovation. Though they deleted the entire previous storyline it doesn’t matter that much because who in all honesty knows and is interested in the Red Alert storyline? We want explosions and babes!! Focus on what's important...

Red alert 3 rules!


Bear and penguin images ripped from:



Back to the world of sucks and rules


Men are idiots (30-8-07)

Well, they are....