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Terminator Salvation

I really wish I was more drunk when I saw Terminator salvation because then I probably wouldn't have had such a hard time writing this review. Right now, its murder. I have thought about this for a whole day, talked to half a dozen people about it but mostly, I was painting models and forgot about it.

I'm pretty sure I don't like Terminator Salvation. I didn't like the opening scene with the bald Helena Bonham Carter and the murderer being turned into a robot. This was in the trailer and so was hardly an unexpected twist. Frankly, most of the Terminator story is totally incomprehensible unless you want your brain to melt. That being said, the story of this particular film is somewhat less defiant of our small human understanding. Murder becomes terminator. Pilot falls in love with terminator. Somewhere there is John Connor still listening to mommy's tapes. Michael Ironside in a submarine doing absolutely nothing that can be described as cool. Yeah sure, I would have chosen the exact same story line if I were to make a movie about a war between men and machines. Director McG could not have screwed this up any more if he had tried.

Honestly, the action is plentiful, yes. I admit it. But it is hardly a war between men and machines. There are two war scenes and they were over before I even had time to grab my popcorn. The rest of the action is people being chased by terminators of a various comedic nature (I like the worm things, they made me smile) and John Connor being smacked around by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Also, why are the humans able to shoot the terminators with guns and kill them? Weren't the things indestructible? Is this because the studio didn't have enough money for laser guns? Are laser guns considered to modern for 2009? Is it because the one firing the gun was BATMAN?

My issues with not liking terminator salvation deepen when Michael Ironside enters the stage. My favorite badass actor off all time is head of the resistance but does nothing but glare at people and ultimately stays in his damn submarine. Ok, he dies but he doesn't even have much time to be badass about it which was really disappointing. Ah well, better luck next movie.

The giant robot wasn't really helping either. While it is clearly, a giant robot, all it gets to do is kill a bunch of really pathetic black people holed up in a gas station being stereotypes. Also, how on earth did that thing manage to surprise all these people? Is it the 20 meter master of stealth?

Also, that damn kid. I admit it wasn't as annoying as it could have been but still, making new Chekov drag along with a kid in tow seemed to cramp his style a lot. I couldn't figure out what the kid was for either. It seemed to be able to detect terminators but proved totally useless when the big bot was ambushing them.

In conclusion I'm arriving at a real problem which you can see here:

-Sorta giant insect (it takes out a chopper, that qualifies)

-Giant robot

-really long fight and chase scenes

-fair representation of the human race. A-10 warthogs are awesome.

-incomprehensible timeline yet I could follow the story of this film.

-Michael Ironside. He's in it and he dies.

Holy crap. This is totally new. Its a 5 MI movie and I DON'T LIKE IT!

Now, if you'll excuse me. I think I'm gonna roll up in a fetal position and cry for the rest of this evening.


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