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Dragonball Evolution

When friends, review pages and pretty much anyone with half a brain told me this was bound to be a hopeless flop with no redeeming qualities whatsoever I didn't believe them. Surely a movie based on a manga where the whole point was fighting to the death couldn't be anything else but awesome?

Well, annoyingly I was wrong. Its actually quite an achievement but they have succeeded in turning dragonball Evolution into such a pile of crap that even the fighting wasn't enough to keep me distracted from its steamy brown crappiness. Astonishing really.

The beginning is just as retarded as the end. Goku, super powerful ass-kicking school boy from another world (crap, a spoiler!) loses his grandfather to a collapsing house caused by Piccolo who was looking for the Dragonballs. He needs these to conquer the world. he has already tried that but was then stopped by 7 mystics who locked his soul in a jar. He got out, somehow. Got an airship, somehow. He got the power to clone water-men, somehow. He got a hot girl with morphing power, somehow. In fact, Piccolo has and does a lot of things that are really beyond explaining. Aw well, small details I suppose.

Goku is supposed to get all 7 dragon balls and defeat Piccolo before he ends the world. Along the way he meets all kinds of  people who can really be summed up in a few words.

Hot but really unneccesary


Not quite as hot and really annoying



Irritating fuckstick who should have died in the first scene.


This is about as much depth as any of the characters are getting and the story goes from mildly retarded into the realm of completely retarded in the course of 30 minutes. What the hell was the point of the water-men? How the bloody fuck did Piccolo get out of his molecule stopping jar? What was the point of those stupidly short tournament scenes? How does Piccolo control the Oozaru? All questions that remain irritatingly unanswered. 

But all that would matter very little. I've seen movies before with dumb stories and dumb characters and I still thought they were awesome. Remember Streetfighter with Jean claude van Damme? Never had as much fun in my movie watching life despite the fact that that movie was unbelievably stupid from beginning to end.

Psycho power!!!!!


With this in mind I was waiting for the big showdown. Surely the end fight between Piccolo and Goku would be worth while. Surely it would redeem the movie? Surely it would make the hour of retardedness that came before it worth it?

Well no.

It was over in 2 minutes and Goku won. There, another spoiler. I don't care. The fight between Agent Smith and Neo in Matrix 3 was often compared to a Dragonball fight scene and they did it better then the makers of an actual Dragonball movie. Somewhere along the way they really missed the point. Really really missed the point. The point was in Alaska and they were in south Africa. THAT'S how much they missed it.

Goddamnit, it makes me wish I still had time to write more then once or twice a week cause then I'd have spent a whole week writing how much this movie sucked.

Staying true to the MI table I can't grant this movie anything. No long fight scene, no giant robot, no other redeeming coolness. Nothing. Nothing but pure concentrated SUCK!.


0 MI's, holy crap!




Back to the world of sucks and rules


Here, something else that sucks:

             Boris is dead!